i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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