So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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