why do cheetos always look like penises
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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