Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
