oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
