Whod you bang
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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