hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
