Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
