brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Girls should come with a carfax report
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
