at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
