I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
