I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
