I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
