i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
