if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
