Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
