You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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