Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
