MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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