Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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