I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
where am i from again
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
