the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
