Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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