I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
