Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize