I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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