I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize