There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
