im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
