You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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