Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
