Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
