The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
