My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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