tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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