Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
