so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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