you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
