Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
