If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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