Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
