if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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