I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
