I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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