he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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