Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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