My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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