What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
