At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
