Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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