Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
