chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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