you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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