My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
