i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
