My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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