if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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