I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
