here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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