I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
