He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
