You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
