I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
