I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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