You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
