Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
