I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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