currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
