I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
