I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
